Get Going Workshops

by Joanne Levy-Prewitt

College Freshman’s Rough First Semester Surprises Parents

Q: My son is a freshman at a large public university and has just completed his first academic quarter. He told us that he will likely have C's and D's in three of his four classes and has been placed on academic probation because of a low GPA. This came as a complete shock to us because in high school he got nearly all A's.

He says the large classes are overwhelming, and he doesn't enjoy any of the material or professors. He also told us that he and his roommate do not even speak to each other, and that he hates the cold, rainy weather. He says he has no friends. We do not know what to do, but it is clear to us that he is miserable, and we must do something.

A: Fall is usually the time of year when parents get these calls, and they can be extremely distressing. It sounds as though your son has hit the triad of discontent. That's usually how it happens; once a student finds something intolerable, everything else seems horrible, too. When choosing a college, a student should consider its social, academic and geographic aspects, and your son has implied that he regrets his choice of college in all three areas.

As parents, we are inclined to want to fix everything for those we love. We've been involved in all the minutiae of our children's lives, and for many this involvement doesn't wane when our children leave for college. However, I encourage you to resist the temptation to rush in. This might be a good opportunity for your son to navigate the turbulent waters of his own life, and you might consider giving him some gentle guidance that will enable him to resolve some of these issues himself.

Before I give you any ideas about ways to guide him, I want to say that if you believe your son is experiencing more than just mild difficulty adjusting to college, and might be depressed or even suicidal, then you must get to him and get professional help immediately.

However, if you believe this is an opportunity to help your son become more independent, you might pre-arrange a good time for a long, uninterrupted phone conversation. Prepare some questions in advance. Ask him to try to identify the nature of his unhappiness: Is it primarily social, academic or geographic? If one or two of those factors were improved, would he be happier, or is it necessary for all factors to be perfect?

Ask him whether he thinks leaving school, and coming home to work or attend community college, is really what he wants. Sometimes students miss their friends and the security and comforts of home, but haven't yet realized that their friends are gone, and that home might not be that cozy, welcoming place anymore.

Ask him whether he has sought help from the resources available at college. Has he spoken to his resident adviser? Can he switch roommates? Has he spoken to his academic dean about his courses or gotten advice about classes that are smaller or that offer more personal engagement? Has he gotten involved in clubs, sports or other activities on campus?

Ask him how he thinks transferring colleges (and starting over academically and socially) will solve his problems. Sometimes college students just don't want to grow up, and being away at college is a harsh reminder that their childhood, and many of its benefits, has ended.

Many students are just not ready for college, and they don't discover that until they start. The combination of rigorous courses, a new social and physical environment, and a host of new responsibilities can be overwhelming. If that is the case with your son, you might suggest that he take a leave of absence, or research a "gap year" of travel or meaningful work that might allow him to return to college refreshed, invigorated and more mature. However, if you'd like him to try to stay at his present college, a long conversation is the best way to start.

COPYRIGHT 2007 JOANNE LEVY-PREWITT